my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
should my penis look like a turkey
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
