im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
