I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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