Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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