We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
