I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
