rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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