The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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