my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Randomize
