i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
