theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
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The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
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I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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