I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
They should really pass out barf bags in church
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
i drank out of a bidet.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
