I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
