Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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