Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize
