here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
time to smoke my breakfast
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Randomize
