see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
