you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
