i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
