I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
