Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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