i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
