you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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