Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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