So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
