My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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