i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
