I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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