We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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