Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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