Pants 0. Shit 1.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Randomize
