I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
