So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
