i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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