So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
We have so much sex to catch up on
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
