Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
