oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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