wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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