Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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