i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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