haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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