Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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