that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
