You're earring is so big in my mouth
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
