If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
