I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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