This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
3 2 1 whiskey
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
