Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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