I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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