anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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