were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
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Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
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PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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