i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
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