Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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