Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Where is the hickey?
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
