FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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