I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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