You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
