This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
