his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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