I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
nutella sex= disaster
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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