I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
