I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
