I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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