Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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